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IllsyndranSun
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Location: Edison, New Jersey, United States
Birthday: 6/2/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: Poetry, reading, the martial way and its various arts, [Norse, Celtic, Japanese, and Greek] mythology, philosophy (particularly Greek and Asian), sports (soccer, track, volleyball, basketball, tennis), rollerblading, walking in no specific direction, anime (DragonBall Z, Rurouni Kenshin, Wolf's Rain, Inuyasha, occasionally Witch Hunter Robin), watching movies at home, hanging out with friends, the amazingly introspective and piercing wisdom/ inisght of Dawson's Creek, and exploring unknown places just for the sake of it
Expertise: Finding things, whether it's information, reasons, answers, or excuses, I'm great at finding things
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
4/25/2005
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| Today was perhaps the best Valentine's Day I've ever had. I was blessed with the opportunity to spend my evening with a dear friend from my small group bible study, a woman who I know God placed on my heart to spend the evening with after he wisely canceled my original plans for the day; talk about providence. Her tears of pain and happiness fell on my shoulder tonight and it moved me in a way no date ever would have. Still, with what time is left of my day, I would like to take a moment to do something for someone who was on my mind today, even I couldn't be with her to celebrate the day with her as I would have liked too. Miss Stonier, this one's for you; enjoy my poem and enjoy this song, because whether they are my words or not they all speak from my heart. 
Eight Minutes To Midnight
To Sarah Stonier
Sometimes we think we know what's coming,
and we think we know what we'll do,
but nothing could have ever prepared me
for the day that I met you
I was caught completely off guard,
I was so unprepared,
for the smile on your face
and your beautiful brown hair
Though I wasn't entirely speechless,
around you I felt quiet inside
It was in that moment that I knew
this feeling would not quickly subside
I loved to see you in the evening
and in the morning before I had to go,
Dorothy Boyd said it best when she said
"You had me at hello"
So I'm writing this poem
with just minutes to spare,
to finally tell you how I feel about you
and show you how much I care
I don't know if we're meant to be,
I wish I had a clue
But know that at any given moment
I've been thinking about you
I'm so glad I met you,
I always thank our God above,
Happy Valentine's Day Sarah,
may you one day find true love
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| It's 2:30 am, Sunday morning, February 4, it's now been officially five
years since my father died; I've been in school longer than he's been
gone and that's quite ironic since his last words were for me to stop
messing around and do well in school...
Even though this is the
fifth time this anniversary has passed, it's significantly different
than all of the other years because I find myself for the first time in
a long time being deeply troubled by my memories of the unpleasant
Super Bowl Sunday that preceeded the early morning phone call that
would be forever etched into my mind. I knew my father didn't have
long, I knew before anyone else did, perhaps that was why I found
myself oddly at peace at his passing: to me it wasn't a surprise.
Though I could have done without having to see him in the hospital,
having that image in my head was a great point of anger for me. Forget
the denial phase of grief, or bargaining, it was right to the anger.
Yet despite the sincere composure with which I handled the wakes and
funeral service, delivering my father's euology without so much as
flinching, I knew that just a little deeper than anyone around me could
see or penetrate I was deeply troubled by a great many things. I was
wounded, and like the athlete who wouldn't know he had a two inch cut
in his leg until the game was over I didn't really take the time to
even discover just how deep the wounds ran. And here I am a bundle of
distraught feelings now wondering where all of this emotional chaos
came from, when it's probably been here all along. How I've changed
since my earlier years...I used to take every opportunity to document
or share every thought and feeling I had, either in my poems, my
journals, or with my most trusted confidants. I hardly do any of those
things with great consistency anymore. After those two days, so much of
that stopped. It was like I didn't want to be in touch with my feelings
any more, I just wanted them to stop, I didn't want to care anymore;
more importantly, I didn't want to remember...
I didn't want to
remember having my girlfriend, who I was feeling more and more
confident about maybe having a future with, not speak to me the whole
night during the game, ignoring me at every chance and walking away
every time I so much as entered her personal space. I didn't want to
remember talking to D about how scared I was about losing her, a
thought I'd never even contemplated until that night. I didn't want to
remember waking up to my phone ringing and hearing my sister telling me
my dad is at a "low point" only to find an empty shell staring at me
when I arrived. I didn't want to remember standing there motionless as
my family cried and tossed themselves all over his room and the
hallway, hearing my aunt telling me that I had to be the man of the
house now...something my mother continues to feel I'm utterly incapable
of, despite my efforts. I didn't want to remember getting a call the
next day, the day of the first wake, hearing my girlfriend's voice on
the phone when she lived only a block away...she should have been
there, I didn't care that she didn't know what to say, I just wanted
her to be there. I didn't want to remember seeing her at the second
wake, her physical and emotional distance again speaking endless
volumes to me. I felt more comforted by her parents' presence than by
hers; her parents, who didn't even like the thought of their daughter
dating a black guy. I didn't want to remember a month of her not
talking to me, being angry with and shouting at me when she finally
would, and then the termination of the relationship with her only
explanation for treating me the way she did for that month being "I
don't know what I want", not even an apology; no that wouldn't come
until years later and even that sounds less than convincing to me now.
I didn't want to remember wondering for the last five years if my dad
would be proud of me now. All I have is my mother to look to for
approval I rarely got from him, and she's far worse at showing it than
he was. At least I can remember a few times when he was vividly proud
of me, when it wasn't a case of everyone else knowing my parents were
proud but me. I didn't want to remember feeling this great hatred
towards him for the better part of my life, hating the way he made me
feel like I was so wrong for feeling the way I felt sometimes, for
being who I was for that matter. A hatred that thankfully continues to
subside, but for so long was very much a factor in our
less-than-a-relationship. I certainly didn't want to remember wondering
if I'll ever be half the man he was because while he might not always
have been the best man to us, I swear he's more of a man than I ever
was and probably ever will be. And I definitely don't want to remember
feeling as though nothing I've done for or to myself in the last five
years has brought me any closer to proving to myself that his belief
that I could conquer the fears that hindered me, little or small, was
justified.
I think what I'm trying to say, quite elaborately,
is that I might actually be starting to miss him, but the saddest part
is that I don't feel I could ever face him proudly even if he were
standing before me today...I guess that's why this song is just so appropriate, because it totally sums up how I'm feeling right now, and no one has a clue.
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| At long awaited last, I have returned to Xanga LoL, took me long enough right? Well the minor pain of trying to change my default photo and music aside, it's great to be back. The holiday season was, but for a few rough patches, better than I ever could expected. I guess once I stopped hanging on so much to the whole "Oh look, I'm single for yet another holiday" thing I found that it is definitely possible to enjoy the holidays with the friends and family that I already have. I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice to have someone to kiss under the mistletoe and when the ball dropped on New Year's, LoL very nice actually, I didn't have to have that special someone to have a special holiday, and I hope everyone has had a great holiday season as well.
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Blade of Grass Insight
Have
you ever looked at a blade of grass
just
after the sun rises in the morning?
The
traces of the twilight glisten on its tip,
the
evidence of an unseen intercourse
silently
drifting in the wind,
a
simple image can leave you asking
the
most piercing question…
do
you want me?
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| Clark: "You don't have to turn into your father."
Maddie: "Maybe I don't have a choice."
Clark: "Maddie just because you're his child does not mean thay you're destined to follow in his footsteps."
I was watching the episode "Fragile" on Smallville a little over a week ago and when I was watching this scene these words really struck a chord with me. I've been watching this show since it began, because in so many ways I am Clark, more than I ever want to admit at times. And as I watch I think about his ongoing fight with Jor-el, his birth father from the long since destroyed planet of Krypton. I watch him resist and refuse to listen to his father and I think to myself "When are you going to realize that your father isn't as bad as you've always thought him out to be!? He's trying to help you become a great light to the people of the world! A hero! He wants you to become that and every day that you refuse to obey and listen to him you're prolonging that awesome purpose he has for you! He's not the monster that you think he is!" And the more I think about it I realize that my view of my own father has changed somewhat over the years since he died. I don't look back on him with the same animosity that I used to. I can actually see the ways in which he was a good father, or at least the things that he did that I needed to appreciate. Like moving to Edison, NJ from Brooklyn, NY so that I'd have more room to run around and so that his family would be safer. I've had some great experiences and influences here and I couldn't imagine growing up anywhere else. And I do realize that my father wasn't entirely the monster I always thought he was. Still, there were things about my father that I just don't want to see manifest in my life and hearing Clark say that really made me feel a little better. It's so hard to believe that my genes and upbringing by him doesn't dictate who I'm going to become. In a broader context I think about my heavenly Father and how scared I can be at times of his plans for me. And like Jor-El, I know God sits up there waiting for the day when I'll just come to realize that his plan for me might be tough to follow through with, and it might cost me things that I'd want for my life, but that it's ultimately for me and more importantly, for the good all those around me. I think Clark and I have the same problem, we're selfish. We want our lives to be a certain way, and anyone who would tell us that we need to give up the plans we have, even if it mean that so many people would benefit from that, we just don't want to give it up; I just don't want to give it up... | | |
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